Creating Holy Boundaries:

I just recently finished the book, “Good Boundaries and Goodbyes,” by Lysa Terkeurst.  I loved this book.  I had never thought much about boundaries being something holy and good, but Lysa through the help of her Christian counselor discussed ways that we can even look at boundaries as a holy and good thing for ourselves and others.   This blog post will showcase a few of the lessons I learned from this book.  I recommend this book for any readers or for those who have ever felt and struggled with the idea of setting boundaries.  

Relationships are hard.  Everyone in the world has had some moments throughout various relationships where they can be tricky, hard, and hurtful.  However, those same relationships can also be filled with joy, fun, and love.  It is important to realize when those relationships swing a bit more to the negative, than for the positive.  When those relationships are starting to impact our mental or even physical health, then we may need to reflect on our certain boundaries that we have in those relationships.  There also may be times when we do need to walk away from a relationship.  God never approves of violence and abuse within a relationship, so it is best to walk away when that is present.  

Setting boundaries with those in our lives have always been something I have struggled with.  I never like to say no, and I don’t like conflict.  Setting boundaries is sometimes both of those things.  When setting boundaries, a person will often have to say no, and that may upset others who then will want to start a conflict.  I also didn’t know there was a way to set boundaries in a Christian manner.  Setting boundaries sounds as though it would be selfish.  However, when there are people in our lives that are affecting our mental health and maybe even our walk with Jesus, then we need to set boundaries.  This also can help the other person too.  If they become reliant on you, they are not looking to God as a main source.  Setting boundaries with them is a way to make them reflective on their own actions, (if they choose to look at it that way).  

The moment that I enjoyed the most when it came to this book was when we were asked what exactly we were afraid of when it came to setting boundaries.  We can be afraid of disappointing others or making them think differently of us.  This comes back to a huge desire to people-please. “People pleasing isn’t just about keeping others happy.  It’s about getting from them what we think we must have in order to feel okay in the world.” (“Good Boundaries and Goodbyes, Lysa Terkeurst, page 157) Why are we so afraid of losing a part of this relationship?  Sometimes we could be afraid of losing a friendship or any other kind of relationship because we receive a certain amount of validation from them.  Maybe there is a friend who depends on you for everything, and even if it is taking a lot out of you, you still enjoy the validation or the appreciation that comes from this arrangement.  You are looked upon as the Savior or the person who has such a kind, helpful heart.  

I personally struggle with this. I do love being a people pleaser.  I enjoy being the person others can depend on.  I enjoy that others can look at me and see a friend who can always help them, who is always thoughtful, and always encouraging.  I enjoy receiving validation and appreciation from my friends as that person.  This goes to the point that when I can’t help, because I am either gone or I’m too overwhelmed, I feel guilty.  Now, luckily, I don’t know many friends in my life currently who are pushing boundaries, and they are always understanding when I can’t do something.  However, it is still a good reflection for me to realize that I do often seek validation from others and that can open me up to relationships with those who will abuse their boundaries.  It is also important for me to realize that I should only seek validation from one source, and that is Jesus Christ.

Obviously, this is not just unhealthy for us as we are always looking to people who can be emotional and fickle for validation, but this can also be hard on others in this relationship.  Depending on another person for our validation isn’t fair to them.  They should not be responsible for the way that we see ourselves.  The main thing here is that we need people of Christ who want to be filled with grace, peace, and love in our lives, and to help each other reach that point.  We should not be each other’s saviors.  It is more important that we point others to Jesus.  

In general, I would highly recommend reading this new book by Lysa Terkeurst.  It is important to realize our own personal boundaries.  We are called to be loving and to be as Christ-like as we can.  However, sometimes that can get confused with allowing any bad behavior to happen to us.  We are not called to be condoning bad or inappropriate behavior.  We are not called to condone manipulation or abuse.  We are not called to be consistently hurt for the sake of a relationship, when this said relationship is not bringing us towards Christ.  We can set a boundary in a loving manner that still can point many others to Christ.   

A photo of the book cover: