Giving away control

As per my theme this year being Freedom, I have another reflection piece on what it means to be completely free.  This being giving away the control over my life to the Lord, where I am not the one that is in charge, but rather God will be.  I never considered myself a control freak, but I also have realized that I like to know what is going to happen in my future. I hate the idea of the unknown and not knowing what is going to happen.  I hate not knowing where I will work, for how long, where I will live, etc. There are many times that I wish there was a roadmap of what is going to happen in my life. 

This desire for control in my life has really come to a head in the past few weeks as the coronavirus or COVID-19 pandemic has taken full effect. This outbreak, of course, created a great deal of anxiety amongst the world.  It didn’t hit me or affect my life until recently when I was no longer able to teach for four weeks. This means that I wouldn’t get the chance to complete my lesson plans, watch extracurricular activities, and teach/spend time with my students. There is also discussion among many states, including Iowa, to close down the schools for the rest of the year.  I am not happy about these four weeks. I do not want to be at home without seeing my kids, without doing my new job that I love to do, but yet here we are. I have absolutely no control over any of this. If the schools in Iowa do decide to close for the rest of the year, I will have absolutely no control over that either. I would cry a lot, but I still wouldn’t be able to gain that control back.  For many of us, we are in the midst of not knowing if we are going to have to be locked down for a few days or a few weeks. This creates a great amount of fear in all of us, and none of us sadly have any control over any of it.  

Again, as sad as having to spend the weeks in for the COVID-19 is, it is also a great chance for me to learn about control and how that is something that needs to be given over to the Lord.  God is ultimately the one who is leading the doctors in finding a cure to fix the illness. God is the one who is leading the government officials as they make decisions for their people. God is the one who is using this time maybe as a chance to bring families together, make people appreciative of their jobs as well as the people in their life, and catch up on hobbies/activities we, as people, don’t get to do as often.  

I will not deny that the first few days of being in quarantine, I was not happy in the slightest.  I was in a state where I didn’t want to see any posts or updates about it, and every time I did, I would get frustrated.  This even includes the posts or comments about looking on the positive side, because I definitely did not want to look on the positive side.  However over this past week, I have had the chance to do some crafting, painting, reading, writing, and working on some other school projects that needed to get done.  I am trying to take this time to self reflect and to grow inwardly before again getting out there in the working world again. I need to take this time to grow closer to the Lord, reevaluate some of my teaching resources, and capitalize on some of my other skills that I have been wanting to develop, including my writing skills for my blog.  

While COVID-19 is just one example of giving away control, it certainly won’t be the last.  I don’t know how long I will teach in Buffalo Center. I don’t know how long I will be a teacher in general.  I don’t know if God has a different state in mind for my future, or even country. I don’t know if I will be single the rest of my life or get married.  I can’t tell anyone anything about my future. When I think about that, I am filled with a great deal of fear. I sometimes get so concerned about the future, that I am not fully living in the present or trusting in the Lord, and this is the problem.  

As luck would have it, my verse of the week this week is Matthew 6:34 which says; “Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own.” This verse is incredibly raw and truthful. There is enough every day to think about, work on, and put all energy towards without having to think constantly about the future. When looking at each day as who I can love, how I can praise God, and what I can do to be successful, then my life will continue to be more fruitful and thoughtful.

There was one summer when I lost my job a few months before the summer began.  The boss that I was going to have had to send me an email to explain that they didn’t need my role that summer as was originally planned.  It was an awful experience, and I bawled because I felt useless and out of a plan (plus money, I was a college student after all). This was not a part of my plan.  This was not part of what I wanted to do and when. However, this was obviously not in God’s plan. What was in God’s plan that summer, was me applying to the Bridge of Storm Lake in Storm Lake, Iowa.  If anyone knows me, then they also know that this was the biggest blessing in my life. I am now, this summer, going to work there for my fifth summer in a row. I continue to learn more about other cultures and diversity, how to love people, and how to be the best educator/mentor I can be as I work with children of all different walks of life from areas all over the world.  I would not have been blessed with this opportunity if I had followed my plan. I am so happy that my plans fell through and that God surprised me with the Bridge. I am glad I didn’t have control over my life in that situation. God knew better, and I need to remember that.    

Right now, I am living in a small town with very kind people and with students that I absolutely love.  I have been completely blessed in so many directions, and I have been given so many ways and reasons to praise the Lord as well as spread God’s word and glory.  It isn’t fair that I am wasting those opportunities stressing about the issues to come. As the weeks go on, I will continue to pray that the Lord will allow us to go back to school in a few weeks, but even if he doesn’t, God knows better.  God will always know better, in every way and every situation.